by Aunt Clara –

Burt was a regular lawbreaker. Aunt Clara did not know this about him until after the wedding. You know the adage, “We hide our flaws until ‘after’ the wedding!” Burt was always at the courthouse looking up old Commonwealth laws still on the books, and then going out and break that law. He even had a little book he carried around that listed all the laws and when and where he was when he broke that law.

The first one he broke was at my grandmother’s funeral. There is a law that remains on the books that states no mourner may eat no more than three sandwiches at a wake. Of course it does not clarify the size of sandwiches, whether it be finger sandwiches or full size grinders. Burt stuffed himself on pesto chicken, egg salad and even anchovy-lemon butter sandwiches at the wake. Aunt Clara was so embarrassed introducing people to Burt while he was eating his craw with three or four sandwiches. He ate until he could not walk straight. In his book he named every type and amount of sandwich. He even made a point of eating right in front of the chief of police, probably waiting to be arrested. The chief just shook his head and walked away.

It is illegal in Massachusetts to scare a pigeon. So, like a wild man, Burt had to run after every pigeon he saw. He would write every encounter in his book while he searched out more birds to frighten.

Burt made a point of letting everyone know he was “not” carrying a rifle to church. Burt would make sure to let the other parishioners know he was breaking the law. Of course, hunting on Sunday is prohibited also so whatever would these men be shooting with their rifles? It is also illegal in Grafton to spit on the sidewalk. This was a disgusting law that Burt just had to break. “Whatever will the neighbors think, Burt?” Aunt Clara would admonish, but to no avail. Aunt Clara thinks this law is a good one and should still be enforced, but the police just don’t seem to feel the same way.

Burt was always writing and scribbling on our milk cartons as soon as we purchased one. Of course, it is illegal to deface a milk carton. Aunt Clara always made sure Burt did not have any markers when we went to the market lest he defaced all the milk containers in the grocery store. Burt loved to draw a milk mustache on the milk girl’s face or make the cow into a horse on the carton.

Burt refused to bathe before retiring to bed. This was, of course, because there is an obscure law on the books that states one must bathe before going to bed. Aunt Clara feels this is a good law and should include flossing but the State Senate does not seem to agree.

When any of our friends were in the hospital Burt always made sure to visit them every day. Not because Burt was so caring but because he just had to bring them a beer — it is illegal to bring a hospital patient beer. Burt did not care if they drank it or not, his part was done as soon as he walked in the patient’s room with that illegal substance. Aunt Clara did forbid Burt from bringing beer to my saint of a mother when she was on her deathbed. Aunt Clara told Burt in no uncertain terms that if he ever brought that woman a beer while she was in the hospital, then Aunt Clara would be breaking a law of her own. Since it is illegal to beat a rug in front of a house, Aunt Clara is sure that beating a recalcitrant husband on the doorstep would be breaking some silly law.

by Aunt Clara –

Burt had a problem with perspective in life as well as in kitchen dishware.

When Burt would prepare his cereal in the morning he would always reach for a mixing bowl rather than a cereal bowl. Why he would put one small cup of cereal in a much larger quart bowl was beyond Aunt Clara’s comprehension. In all his cereal eating years, Burt was never known to eat more than that small amount of breakfast cereal but he would always use a huge bowl. Aunt Clara would even set out a 250cc size bowl that was more than adequate for one cup of cereal. But Burt would move right by the proper bowl and go for the biggest most monstrous bowl he could find. How ridiculous that little man looked sitting at the table eating out of a huge mixing bowl.

Being a married man, Burt suffered from typical morning deafness that so many married men seem to suffer from. No matter how Aunt Clara tried to explain the error of his ways, Burt would just keep eating his Maypo while reading The Grafton News.

The battle of the bowls became unpleasant when Aunt Clara, in a stroke of genius, hid all the large bowls into the back pantry, leaving only proper sized cereal dishware in the cupboard.
Burt came down the stairs in his favorite sleep shirt with that silly morning grin on his face and opened the cupboard. A confused look washed over his face. He rubbed his eyes, scratched his head and opened the next cupboard over. “Aunt Clara,” where are all the bowls?” It was now Aunt Clara’s turn to feign morning deafness.

Burt continued to search, even looking in the linen closet, but being a man he was not a good looker. There was no way he was finding those bowls. After standing there hemming and hawing Burt did the unthinkable. He grabbed a huge cooking pot, put in a small amount of cereal, poured his milk and began eating. It was after this that Aunt Clara tried to find professional help. Burt clearly suffered from Large Bowl Perspective Impairment or LBPI.

In those days not much was known about LBPI. Aunt Clara had to interview psychologists, study medical books at the library and even visit the Betty Crocker Institute in order to better understand.

Most treatments were experimental and none were accepted by the American Medical Association. Locking Burt in a room for many hours with only one small bowl, a box of cereal and milk only caused him to become more anxious. Removing all the large bowls from the home did not work as Burt would run to the neighbors looking for dishware. There was no way Aunt Clara was going to allow him to run over to the Widow Kelly’s house every morning.
The Pavlov system did work. This was a large bracelet that was locked on Burt’s wrist and with which Aunt Clara could deliver a shock whenever he reached for a larger bowl than was necessary. The problem was that it caused Burt to break out in large hives which itched and bled. Burt was such a mess that he could not even go to work.

After much discussion with Burt’s psychiatrist it was decided he would seek help on an outpatient basis and with Aunt Clara’s wisdom and compassion, his LBPI could be managed. It would not be easy and there would be periods of remission and exacerbation. However, Aunt Clara had married Burt for better or worse, in sickness and health, through good times and bad. She was not about to give up on this feeble man she had taken as her husband.

Aunt Clara did get the last laugh years later when she buried Burt in a coffin that was neither too large nor too small. Burt was destined to spend eternity in a space that fit him just perfectly.

And that was how he was finally cured of his LBPI.