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About Aunt Clara

Aunt Clara was born in the town of Grafton in the state of Massachusetts. Clara quickly became a champion of equal rights for women. Upon her arrival in kindergarten Clara became a polarizing figure by tearing down the girl’s playhouse and leading the girls in a rousing defeat of the boy’s team in a brutal game of duck, duck goose. Clara then petitioned the principle of the school to allow her to speak to the Board of Education. At the hearing the 6-year-old Clara got a rousing applause when she spoke these words. “The day will come when boys will recognize girls as peers, not only at the games of children, but in the councils of the nation. Then, and not until then, will there be the perfect comradeship, the ideal union between boys and girls that shall result in the highest development of the race.”

At the age of nine Aunt Clara raised a champion hog that she named ‘Eyeball’. Eyeball won three awards; two for size and one for beauty. Clara continued to excel in high school winning three spelling bees and first place prizes in two separate science fairs. She cured her younger brother of nail biting by standing by his bed while he slept and repeating the words “my nails taste really bitter.”

Aunt Clara received a full scholarship to the prestigious Wellesley College in Massachusetts when she was just 16 years old. It is said that during her time in college Aunt Clara coined the term ‘hairspray’. During World War II, aerosol cans were developed by the U.S. Department of Agriculture to better distribute insect spray among soldiers and protect them from malaria. After the war, the beauty industry caught on to the potential of aerosol cans. The first to package a sticky, hard, resin-based spray was Chase Products. Aunt Clara took one look at the spray goo as it was applied to a friend’s hair and said “I want some of that hairspray.” The name stuck and has been used ever since.

Aunt Clara was a woman of extreme beauty and intelligence and was not shy about speaking her mind. Most men were both intimidated and intrigued by her and she received many proposals of matrimony. It was said that Prince Rainier of Monaco was enraptured by Clara and sent her love notes and flowers daily. It was only after being spurned numerous times and for many years by Aunt Clara that he finally settled on his second choice, Grace Kelley.

Aunt Clara dated all three of the Kennedy boys during their formative years and she found each one wanting in their own way. Ted took it hardest and also took to the bottle, but it was said that he could never drink Aunt Clara off his mind. Howard Hughes also fell in love with a young Clara and had paintings of her drawn by several different renowned artists. He filled up rooms in his home with her likeness and it was said that staring at them all day, every day finally drove him insane. It was also said that Aunt Clara’s face launched a thousand ships and her fiery personality destroyed a thousand men. Aunt Clara finally surprised everyone when she married the mild mannered Burt, who had written thousands of poems about her and followed her around like a puppy dog.

Aunt Clara has many accomplishments on her resume including climbing Mount Everest twice, flying solo around the world, being chosen as the first woman to land on the moon, teaching both biochemistry and math at Harvard University and riding a unicycle across the United States of America. Wherever she has been, Clara has always dispensed advice and assisted people with their problems. Aunt Clara began writing an advice column in the late 1970’s and has achieved worldwide fame for many of her writings.


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