Skip to content

No Krampus This Year

By Andrew St. George

Detective Leonard Keaton showing us his badge for some reason. Seriously, no one asked, this is how he chose to pose for the paper.
Detective Leonard Keaton showing us his badge for some reason. Seriously, no one asked, this is how he chose to pose for the paper.

 

Local Detective Leonard Keaton is credited with taking down crime lord Lloyd “Krampus” Christmas. The super villain, named by his parents after Jim Carey’s Character in “Dumb and Dumber,” has been on a crusade against Christmas since a young age. Earning the nickname of “Grinch” in his youth, it wasn’t until Christmas reached the age of 18 when the violent opposition to Christmas really took hold, and the acts of atrocity performed promoted him from the “Grinch” to “Krampus” or the “Christmas Devil.”

Christmas was behind the recent kidnapping of beloved hero Rudolph, or Rudy as his friends called him. Rudy was reported missing shortly after thanksgiving. Mr. Cringle, Rudy’s employer, stated that there was almost no way to safely navigate the treacherous trip from the North Pole without the luminescent qualities of Rudy’s famous nose. “He really was the shining light of our team” Cringle said, having to pause for a moment to contain a slight chuckle that made his belly jiggle.

The plot hatched by the evil “Krampus” essentially revolved around selling off Rudy to the highest bidder, a Chinese genetics laboratory, who intended to kill and dissect Rudy’s nose to study its bioluminescent qualities. Their intent is still currently unclear, and they refused to comment, but it is widely believed that they were looking to use the bio-tech to develop some form of light bulb for vehicles. Arthur Johnson, head scientist at BioDynamic Conglomerates, believes that the idea is technically feasible, but believes that the technology would only be slightly better that what was on the market currently.

Detective Keaton was at the airport preparing for a much needed vacation when he smelled something askew in a crate that was being packed on the plane. Pulling rank on the baggage handlers, he pried the crate open to find Rudy tied up inside with a bag over his nose to contain the glow. Using his keen detective skills, he looked at the return shipping address on the crate and recognized it as the home of Lloyd Christmas. Calling in a favor, he got a warrant issued and went to search the house and found evidence of Rudy being there, as well as a document titled “My plan to kidnap and sell Rudolph to the Chinese by Lloyd “Krampus” Christmas.” Using this evidence, Leonard arrested Christmas.

I interviewed Detective Keaton in his office, and he had this to say: “Did I save Christmas? Of course I did.”

Share

Aunt Myrtle’s Feet

1885814716

By Aunt Clara –

My mother’s sister Myrtle could milk two cows at one time. She would use her hands to milk the cow in front of her and her feet to milk a cow to the side. She was the best worker on the farm. Not only could she milk twice as many cows as any ranch hand but she could also work more hours without complaint.

The men may have been physically stronger than Myrtle but she would be darning socks long into the evening after all the boys had fallen asleep. “Women have to be stronger in ways different than just muscle,” Myrtle would say as she removed her shoes and began milking the cows. “We women carry men in the womb and then carry them the rest of their lives,” she proclaimed.

No man dared debate Myrtle lest she challenge them to some feat in which she could use her feet as well as her hands. The men would test each other every spring in games of skill and strength but as soon as Myrtle stepped into the ring they all ran away. Log rolling was a game in which two combatants would stand on a large log on the water and spin the log until one fell off. Aunt Myrtle would take off her shoes and socks and climb on the log daring any man to challenge her. “Her feet are like large hands,” the men would complain, “I can’t compete with that”!

In defense of the men, Myrtles feet were rather large for a woman or a man for that matter and the toes were elongated and spread apart more than regular human toes. The big toe could move around to touch all the other toes. That was Myrtle’s strength. It was not that the toes were so dexterous but that darn opposable big toe made all the toes work together in harmony. Myrtle could grasp with those toes and that made all the difference.

Of course Myrtle also possessed the feminine power of working beyond tiredness, beyond hunger and never giving up. Women were created to be able to care for a child even when she herself was sick or exhausted. She would make sure her child had food even though she was starving. Myrtle had those powers and she could outlast any man on the ranch. She told me that she could see it in their eyes when they were ready to give up. A man could be too hungry or too tired to continue on but a woman had no such option. Myrtle knew this and she used it against them.

She would wait until late in the day, when the men were hungry and tired and then she would begin a job of mending a fence post. Holding the post with her hands, hammer secured by her feet, she would ask the new hires to hold the nails while she hammered them in. She would watch the light go out of his eyes and knew that she had won. She would have no trouble from that ranch hand for the foreseeable future.

Then later that evening Myrtle would mend the men’s socks and also work on socks of her own creation. Myrtles feet were the talk of the town, but her socks were what really got people talking. She knitted the socks so that each toe is individually encased the same way as fingers within a glove. Everyone who saw them laughed and laughed. If only Myrtle could have lived long enough to know that her “finger socks” would be sold in every store in America and that shoe companies even made running shoes that fit the finger sock mold. Well I always knew Myrtle would be a footnote in history!

Share

Bigfoot in Grafton

Big_Feet_(5967203260)

by Aunt Clara –

When Obadiah Spittle was born to Elizabeth and Barton Spittle in Grafton in 1795 he came out feet first. On first seeing those feet it is said that the midwife fainted and the local doctor requested a stiff drink. It was not so much that the feet were strangely shaped and covered in hair, it was the unnatural size of the things that caused such a stir that day. It was the fact they were adult sized and not just regular adult size but fairly large adult size.

The doctor was at first concerned that the entire baby would be large and just as he was contemplating just how to get such a huge baby out in one piece the rest of Obadiah shot out and shockingly was a regular seven pound baby. In fact, in comparison to those feet the rest of the infant looked quite tiny.

By the time the midwife had come to her senses and the doctor had consumed enough Blackstrap Whiskey to face the fearful town citizenry, Barton Spittle was already working on making a crib large enough to contain Obadiah’s feet.

As the years went by the rest of the boy grew at a normal rate, but no matter how much he grew it was said he would never catch up to those huge feet. As one would imagine finding shoes for those feet was a continuous endeavor. Barton first went to the local blacksmith for makeshift shoes, but the boy could not walk with his feet encased in those huge metal caskets.

The local seamstress worked with the family and made three-ply socks and the carpenter added a wooden bottom sole and the boy was able to at least go outside and work on the farm and go to school. Those huge feet covered in billowy cloth and the awkward clomping around on those wooden bottoms left poor Obadiah open to much ridicule.

Enter Oliver Ward, a corporal in the Massachusetts militia and hailed from a founding Grafton family of no little fame. Upon seeing the poor Obadiah with his uncommonly large feet and watching the boy being mercilessly ridiculed by the local juvenile delinquents, Oliver felt he must take action.

Oliver examined those huge boats that Obadiah was forced to lug around and realized that there was only one solution. Meeting that evening with a good friend (who was known for animal husbandry) Oliver decided to open his own shoe factory. Once he had his financing, and his tanning supplier was on board, Oliver searched all over Massachusetts for the best and brightest Cordwainer he could find.

Oliver worked day and night until the very first shoe factory was established in 1809. Because of Obadiah’s huge feet, and because of the caring ingenuity of one of Grafton’s finest citizens, Grafton qualified as the first town in Worcester County to manufacture shoes for export to the general public. And Obadiah Spittle qualified as the first Massachusetts citizen to receive shoes from this factory. The first factory was named after Obadiah and at its peak Grafton produced nearly 600,000 pairs of boots and shoes a year and employed 550 men and 300 women. And all of this because one little boy was born in Grafton with feet that were ten sizes too large.

One thing about Obadiah when he said he liked to sleep in his socks he really meant he liked to sleep in his socks. Instead of cutting the grass Obadiah’s parents sent him outside barefoot before they cut his toenails.

Obadiah finally grew up and became a cobbler as he was destined to do. One day the local physician came in with an old pair of shoes and asked him to look them over and see if they are worth repairing. Obadiah, being an honest man, examined the shoes and told the doctor they were not. To the doctors consternation Obadiah began writing up a bill. “You can’t do that,” stated the incensed physician, “you never even did anything to the shoes but look at them!” Obadiah quietly pulled out a bill he had received for his yearly physical. The doctor, knowing he was beaten, accepted the bill and promptly paid.

Share