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No Krampus This Year

By Andrew St. George

Detective Leonard Keaton showing us his badge for some reason. Seriously, no one asked, this is how he chose to pose for the paper.
Detective Leonard Keaton showing us his badge for some reason. Seriously, no one asked, this is how he chose to pose for the paper.

 

Local Detective Leonard Keaton is credited with taking down crime lord Lloyd “Krampus” Christmas. The super villain, named by his parents after Jim Carey’s Character in “Dumb and Dumber,” has been on a crusade against Christmas since a young age. Earning the nickname of “Grinch” in his youth, it wasn’t until Christmas reached the age of 18 when the violent opposition to Christmas really took hold, and the acts of atrocity performed promoted him from the “Grinch” to “Krampus” or the “Christmas Devil.”

Christmas was behind the recent kidnapping of beloved hero Rudolph, or Rudy as his friends called him. Rudy was reported missing shortly after thanksgiving. Mr. Cringle, Rudy’s employer, stated that there was almost no way to safely navigate the treacherous trip from the North Pole without the luminescent qualities of Rudy’s famous nose. “He really was the shining light of our team” Cringle said, having to pause for a moment to contain a slight chuckle that made his belly jiggle.

The plot hatched by the evil “Krampus” essentially revolved around selling off Rudy to the highest bidder, a Chinese genetics laboratory, who intended to kill and dissect Rudy’s nose to study its bioluminescent qualities. Their intent is still currently unclear, and they refused to comment, but it is widely believed that they were looking to use the bio-tech to develop some form of light bulb for vehicles. Arthur Johnson, head scientist at BioDynamic Conglomerates, believes that the idea is technically feasible, but believes that the technology would only be slightly better that what was on the market currently.

Detective Keaton was at the airport preparing for a much needed vacation when he smelled something askew in a crate that was being packed on the plane. Pulling rank on the baggage handlers, he pried the crate open to find Rudy tied up inside with a bag over his nose to contain the glow. Using his keen detective skills, he looked at the return shipping address on the crate and recognized it as the home of Lloyd Christmas. Calling in a favor, he got a warrant issued and went to search the house and found evidence of Rudy being there, as well as a document titled “My plan to kidnap and sell Rudolph to the Chinese by Lloyd “Krampus” Christmas.” Using this evidence, Leonard arrested Christmas.

I interviewed Detective Keaton in his office, and he had this to say: “Did I save Christmas? Of course I did.”

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In The Blue

Aaron’s Ball Python ‘Carl’ is getting ready to shed. You can tell he is going to shed because his eyes have turn cloudy with a bluish color. His skin coloring is also pale and not as brightly colored as usual.

Snakes shed as the grow. They shed their old skin and it’s replaced by new skin. Younger snakes will shed more often than older snakes because they are growing faster. We leave Carl alone at this time, because he can be nervous due to being unable to see.

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The Chicken Man

We were riding along on the MassPike westbound last Friday at about 6:30pm in the Newton area and what did we see? A truck with a plexiglass room on the back and a guy lounging inside reading a newspaper. On the side of the truck it said, “The Chicken Man, Boston, MA”. Along the top of the room are neon signs spelling out The Chicken Man. We couldn’t get a photo of the whole truck, but Rich snapped a photo of the ‘Chicken Man’ in the glass room as we passed the truck.

There is mention of this truck and the Chicken Man online, but not a lot of info. Others have seen the truck around the Boston area. I’m guessing it is some sort of advertising campaign, but haven’t been able to get the full story. Here’s another photo I found when doing a google image search.


(This photo is by spearmintkitten on Flickr)

If anyone has any information about this Chicken Man, inquiring minds want to know!

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Meeting Richard Dawkins

Richard Dawkins

Richard Dawkins is a British ethologist and evolutionary biologist; but he is probably more well-known as an outspoken atheist. He is definitely a hero of mine. What a thrill it was to actually meet Richard Dawkins in person!

Richard was a speaker at the 70th Annual American Humanist Association Conference, which happened to be held in Boston this year. Aaron is also a big fan, so we went to hear him speak. His speech was interesting, insightful and entertaining. I just love listening to his British accent. We were even more excited to be able to meet Richard at a book signing after the lecture!

Aaron and Richard Dawkins
Richard Dawkins and I

Aaron brought his book “The God Delusion” and was able to get it signed. In this best selling book, Dawkins ruffled many religious feathers when he wrote that a supernatural creator almost certainly does not exist and that all religious faith is a delusion. Dawkins encourages Atheist to speak up against religion because religion is a major source of conflict in the world and because it gives people justification to blindly believe without any evidence.

After the September 11, 2001 attacks, Dawkins was asked how this event might change the world, he responded:

“Many of us saw religion as harmless nonsense. Beliefs might lack all supporting evidence but, we thought, if people needed a crutch for consolation, where’s the harm? September 11th changed all that. Revealed faith is not harmless nonsense, it can be lethally dangerous nonsense. Dangerous because it gives people unshakeable confidence in their own righteousness. Dangerous because it gives them false courage to kill themselves, which automatically removes normal barriers to killing others. Dangerous because it teaches enmity to others labeled only by a difference of inherited tradition. And dangerous because we have all bought into a weird respect, which uniquely protects religion from normal criticism. Let’s now stop being so damned respectful!”

Dawkins gives atheist the courage to come out of the closet. Atheists are far more numerous than most people realize and our voices need to be heard in order to fight back against religious intrusion in our schools and politics. We need to fight back against those who force their own religious agendas down the throats of our children and our government. It is vital to uphold the separation of Church and state. Religion is an unnecessary part of our global problems and it is time to stand up against the enemies of reason.

It is also important to help remove the negative stigma associated with atheism. Here in the US, research has found that Atheists are the most hated and distrusted minority in the country. University of Minnesota study found that atheists are more distrusted than Muslims, recent immigrants and gays. While in reality, Atheist are statistically more peaceful, moral and trustworthy than Christians. The best way to fight back against the negative stereo typing of atheist is for atheist to stand up and say, I’m an atheist and I’m a good person. After all, an atheist is just a “non-theist.” A theist has a belief in the existence of a god or gods, an atheist does not have a belief in the existence of a god or gods. Is that really such a bad thing? On the contrary, it’s a good thing. Being an atheist is evidence of a healthy, independent mind.

Thank you Richard for speaking out for free-thinkers. It was a pleasure to meet you!

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